DEPARTMENTAL CHOR

Sugar 12 kilos - Check

Bathing Soap 20 bars...no, 30 bars - Check

Masoor Dal 15 kilos - Check

Tur Dal 15 kilos - Check

Salt 15 kilos - Check

White Bread 20 packets - Check

Butter 20 packets - Check

Fabric-Washing Detergent 4 kilos - Check

Milk Pouches 20 litres - Check...

As Anshuman kept dropping grocery items into his jumbo-sized cart, he failed to notice two GleeMart attendants talking among themselves.

"This man...is he crazy?" Santosh frowned, "Look at all that stuff he's taking away. And wasn't he here last morning as well?"

Aparna nodded, "Not just yesterday...He comes here at least 4 times a week. And he carries all that stuff in a small tempo."

"What is he? A shopkeeper?"

"My friend lives in a chawl near his housing colony. He's actually a banker. But he owns a pharmacy there which his cousins run. This pharmacy also doubles up as a provision store in the locality."

"Is he even allowed to take these many quantities?" Santosh protested.

"He's smart. He's definitely not here alone" she said, pointing towards two young boys shadowing him. They looked like they were still in their teens - probably helpers from the pharmacy.

"Wow! Some businessman he is. Considering the rates we offer, he probably earns a pretty good profit."

"Absolutely! He even levies cooling charges on items like milk and fruit juice. Best part is he doesn't even have to store these items for long, since these are fast moving items."

"Boy...if I ever manage to save up some money, I know where I'm going to invest it!"

They both laughed and gave each other a high-five.

Sometime later Anshuman revisited his shopping list. He had managed to get all the things he needed, except for dishwashing liquid. He desperately needed it - it was for personal use. Alas, the dishwashing soap shelf was empty today. He would have to make yet another trip to the departmental store tomorrow.

Anshuman called the boys and divided the stock among themselves. He gave both the boys some cash and whispered instructions into their ears. He then guided them to stand in adjacent lines in order to save time, and himself proceeded towards a line nearby.

In front of him in the billing line was a man and his little daughter. Although they were all wearing masks, he recognized from instantly because of the cute little cap she was wearing on her head - the girl and her father lived in the same locality. She had lost her mother at birth; she was therefore the apple of her father's eye. Anshuman would sometimes stop to play with the girl on his way back home from office. 

He dropped his mask a bit while waving at her with the other hand. "Hi Bulbul!"

The girl and her father both turned to look at him. "Hi uncle!" she babbled like a typical five year old.

"What a cute little girl doing here at GleeMart?" Anshuman asked her playfully before turning towards her dad and smiling inside his mask.

"Dadda brought me for shoppy-shoppy!"

"Wow! You're helping dadda?"

"Yeah uncle!"

Anshuman laughed with her. He simply loved the innocence of kids.

He then inspected their cart. There was hardly anything in it - just some essentials in small quantities. Essentials like salt...sugar...rice...some biscuits...tea powder...milk pouches...dishwashing liquid...

'Wait a minute! Dishwashing liquid???' he thought to himself, 'Where the hell did they find it? The shelf was empty!'

Maybe they just got lucky. Or maybe the store had replenished stocks a while ago and he hadn't noticed. He cursed his luck.

Anyway, there was not much he could do now; so he decided to talk to the little girl.

"Hey Bulbul...what do you do at home all day? Do you still go to playschool?"

"Nah...schools have gone on early break for the year", her father responded while waiting for his turn at the billing counter.

"You must be working from home I presume. How do you keep her busy? Does she have enough toys at home to play with?"

The word fell on alert ears. "Dadda, I want some toys...please!!!"

"Sure beta...what do you want?" her father obliged without batting an eyelid.

"Why don't you accompany her to the toys section? Don't worry, I'll hold the line for you."

"Hey, thanks man! We'll be back in a jiffy."

"Absolutely no problem."

The father-daughter duo dropped out of the queue, leaving the cart under Anshuman's watchful eye. They were back just in time for the billing.

The little girl and her father looked at each other with eyes full of excitement, because they now had a bunch of new toys to play with.

And Ashuman giggled to himself with a sense of achievement, because he now had his dishwashing liquid.

BOHEMIAN CLAPSODY

Scene 1 - Friday, 20th March 2020, around 11:30 am

Security Guard Gopinath and Gardener Madhav are sitting in the patio of the garden of a random housing colony in Mumbai, having a conversation.

"Did you listen to the PM's speech last night?" Gopinath took off his cap and began fanning himself. Once upon a time, he used to wonder why security guards had to wear caps and why those caps had to be black even during scorching summer afternoons.

"About the 14-hour Janata Curfew?" Madhav responded, maneuvering the garden hose like a pro, "Secretary Sahab told me about it this morning. But no, I couldn't listen to the entire speech. I think Mansukhbhai had sent me to fetch some groceries at the time."

"These managing committee guys, I tell you!" Gopinath complained, "Mansukhbhai thinks this colony is his fiefdom. Chairmen ought to have some sense of honour and ethics!"

  

"Ethics?", Madhav finally dropped the hose and spat on the ground in anger, "These guys simply take advantage of their positions. Do you know what Secretary Sahab sends me to get?" He spat again because it's hard to comprehend a mouth full of gutkha.

"Condoms?" Gopinath's eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

Madhav rolled his eyes, "He sends me every morning to fetch cow urine from the stable nearby. He thinks it keeps his hair healthy. Crazy chap! Anyway, what did the PM say in his speech?"

Gopinath leaned forward, "He said the 14 hours of the Janata Curfew will play a big role in fighting against the Coronavirus. I am very confident his plan will work and that we are going to defeat this virus in less than 14 hours!"

"Yes, we can do it!" Madhav punched his fist in the air.

"Absolutely", Gopinath sat back in his chair, "And that's not all!"

"No? What else?" Madhav's eyes widened in excitement.

"The PM asked everyone to come to their windows or to step out into their balconies at 5pm on Sunday, and either clap their hands or make some noise using vessels or other metal objects, for about five minutes."

"Hainh?? Why so??"

"As a mark of tribute to all the doctors, nurses and sanitation workers."

"What a great gesture!" Madhav shot back, "These workers have played a great role in helping our countrymen during this pandemic."

"And guess what!", Gopinath continued, "Experts are saying that the clapping of hands and the clanging of metal by all Indians simultaneously will create a great amount of sound energy, which will then kill the virus. NASA has done research on this. See, someone sent me this news on Whatsapp!"

"That's such a brilliant idea! Waah!", Madhav's eyes started getting a little moist.

Anshuman suddenly appeared out of nowhere, interrupting the conversation without wasting time on pleasantries.

"Gopinath, did you get those things I asked for!"

"Yes, Secretary Sahab! 100 plastic cups, 100 paper plates and 40 big bottles of flavored soda. I've kept them in the society office."

"What about the samosas?"

"I've already spoken with Chandu, he'll keep them ready by 4pm on Sunday."

"Great!" Anshuman rubbed his hands in anticipation, "And what about the speaker system?"

"They'll be set up in time too", Gopinath assured him, "Don't worry Sahab."

"Super!" Anshuman exclaimed. "Oh, by the way, the people living in my other flat...number 403...I've asked them to move out. Very dangerous people...they can spread the virus in our colony. They might move out on Sunday. I've told that guy to hand the keys to you, okay?"

"Sure thing, Saheb."

Anshuman nodded his head and hopped away with a spring in his stride. 

Madhav waited for the Secretary to vanish out of hearing range before asking, "What's this? Is someone getting married here?"

"Wait till Sunday evening my friend. We're going to thank India's health-workers and sanitation staff and celebrate the country's victory over the virus...with great fanfare!"

Scene 2 - Sunday, 22nd March 2020, 4:59 pm

The colony seemed ominously silent and bereft of life, just like it had been throughout the day. But as the time drew closer, Gopinath and Madhav waited with bated breath for the party to get started.

And soon enough, an electronic speaker system placed in the middle of the colony flagged off a countdown. As the countdown reached five, Gopinath and Madhav also joined in the chorus.

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!"

"Go!"

At once a collective shriek of excitement reverberated in the air and a huge group of men and women - young and not so young - came running out of the building. They were all dressed in traditional, colourful and exquisite Garba attire.

Gopinath and Madhav witnessed a glorious spectacle of 100-odd revelers running out in perfect synchronization and harmony. Anshuman was right in front, leading the group like a pro.

"Wait for the song", Gopinath nudged Madhav, "We listened to the original on Whatsapp the other day...this is a dandiya remix version. You'll love it!"

And soon enough the speaker system started blaring "Corona Go...Go Corona!" in a fresh remastered Dandiya avatar. As anticipated, it was an instant hit with the crowd, who presented a wonderful display of Garba. Needless to say, the footage was shared on Facebook and other social media platforms.

Tears of joy welled up in Madhav and Gopinath's eyes as they saw the crowd dance around the cutout of a doctor and nurses. "Our doctors and nurses are sacrificing their family time and risking their lives to keep the virus in check", Madhav commented. "This is such a fitting tribute. Our health-workers will really be proud today."

But just then, they noticed a man quietly leading his wife and young children out of the building with a couple of huge luggage bags. Although they all were wearing masks, it was easy to see the grief and disappointment in their eyes. The man of the family, trudged hesitatingly towards Gopinath and handed him the keys before going back to his family. They then sat in their car and drove away.

Gopinath reminded Madhav, "That's the tenant from flat number 403 - the tenants living in the Secretary's second apartment." 

"I didn't know he lived there. His name is Doctor Chaturvedi", Madhav muttered in disappointment.

Meanwhile, the dance of gratitude and victory continued across the country.

BUS-TED

Anshuman was still beaming with pride at his stroke of genius. He smiled at everyone who walked past him at the bus stop, a few metres from his workplace. To his mind it was a triumphant smile, although they probably thought it was creepy. Not that he cared anyway.

The bus arrived a good 15 minutes later. As he hopped on, he realised that it was more crowded than usual. In his mind, he was certain that there would be no seat for the taking.

To his surprise, however, there was this one seat that had miraculously escaped everyone’s notice. It was only after he had jostled his way towards the seat and hurriedly plonked his derriere that he realised why.

“Erm…Sir”, his voice was as shaky as a stoner on a hangover, “Is there a reason why….”

“…why I’m wearing a mask?”, the white-haired man retorted. He was probably in his late fifties.

“Y…yes.”

“What do you think?”

“If this was six months ago, I’d probably think you only had TB.”

“So, what do you think it might be now?”, he asked in a gentle yet teasing tone.

“Corona…?”

“HAHAHA…I love how you think my friend!”, he laughed his guts out.

“Didn’t mean to offend you Sir…just figured that was probably the reason why no one in a bus this crowded was sitting next to you.”

“Probably”, he whispered in Anshuman’s ear. “I’m only wearing this mask to protect myself from contracting any viruses. And I think everyone else should be doing the same themselves.”

“Oh, I have a mask too!”, Anshuman smiled in excitement.

“So why aren’t you wearing it then?”

Anshuman rummaged through his bag and pulled out a sorry excuse for a mask. It was a cheap variant of a surgical mask that resembled a colourful tissue paper suspended between rubber bands.

“Are you sure that is going to offer any protection?”

“Oh, my uncle manufactures these. It has the ISI mark, ISO 9001 certification and the Make in India logo. Ekdam mast! And imported! Would you like to buy some? Just 10 rupees each!”

The white-haired man simply raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

Meanwhile, the man standing next to Anshuman’s seat wanted to make some room for himself in the crowded bus. He got a little carried away though, and proceeded to rest his cojones on Anshuman’s shoulder.

“Aye bhai”, Anshuman protested.

“What is it?”. The man’s tone was defiant.

“Back off a bit, will you? You’re standing too close!”

“Says who?” The man’s chin went up as his eyes narrowed.

“Says the Government”, Anshuman shot back at him. “You need to maintain some distance from me and my old friend here.” He turned towards the white-haired man, winked at him and then looked back to settle the argument, “We both are COVID-19 positive!”

A few chaotic moments later, the bus sped off leaving Anshuman and the white-haired man stranded on the road.

AAH-CHOO STORY

His tea had long gone cold. All he needed to do was walk a few metres to the pantry to use the microwave, but Anshuman was determined not to leave the comfort of his seat. He had a plan to set in motion after all.

He turned to his colleague, “Yaar Gullu…what are the odds of being allowed to go home early today?”

“How early?”, asked Gulshan, his eyes still fixed on his monitor screen and fingers punching the keyboard with a sense of purpose.

“Maybe 11:30-ish?”

Gulshan’s gaze didn’t swerve a bit. “Bhai, it’s only 9:30, and we’ve stepped into office only a few minutes ago…you haven’t even started your computer. What’s your excuse going to be this time?”

“Excuse? Aww c’mon dude!”, Anshuman objected.

“Reason…reason is the word”, Gulshan sniggered. “Sorry, I grew up in a small town.”

“Look at me man! I have a headache…and my nose is running. I think I have a bad cold!”

“I don’t need to remind you that the entire world is going through a lockdown to fight a dangerous pandemic. We’re running an essential service, my friend. We don’t work for any small-time bank, we work for one of the largest banks in India!”, Gulshan's tone made his irritation apparent, “A simple cold isn’t a good enough reason for anyone to give two fucks about your condition!”

Anshuman was taken aback; it was not so much about Gulshan’s sudden outburst as it was about his colourful big-town vocabulary.

“Is that so? Watch me!”, he said as he hopped towards the Boss’ cabin.

Gulshan didn’t react. He kept punching his keyboard.

As was customary, Anshuman knocked twice on the door before entering the cabin.

Lata’s instincts were good enough to make her toss her smartphone aside, but her fingers were not quick enough to lock the screen. Anshuman didn’t care to take a glance though; he had already been stalking her anonymously on Tinder and Instagram anyway.

“Yes Anshuman”, she asked, struggling to hide her surprise.

“Good Morning Boss”

“Good morning. What…erm…what is it?”

“Can I take the day off today? I am not feeling too good.”

‘About the job? Tell me about it’ she thought to herself. “What happened? Is it diarrhoea again?”, she laughed, her chest swelling with pride at her seemingly witty remark.

“Erm…no. I think I have the flu.”

“Don’t be ridiculous”, she almost fell off her chair. “We’re running an essential…”

“AAH-CHOO!!!”

Anshuman’s sneeze echoed in the general emptiness of the cabin, even though he had covered his mouth with his kerchief. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lata’s jaw drop halfway down to the floor.

But he wasn’t finished yet. He took a look at his kerchief before holding it out towards her.

“Look Boss!”, he shouted excitedly.

Needless to say, what Lata’s eyes beheld was the ghastliest sight ever.

“WHAT THE FUCK ANSHUMAN! YOU’RE GROSSE! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!”

“Does that mean I can go home?”, Anshuman asked, still precariously balancing the slimy blob in his kerchief.

“GOOO AWWWAYY!” Lata covered her own mouth.

“Oh wait! There are droplets on your desk. Allow me to…”, he folded his kerchief and moved closer to the desk, ready to give it a wipe.

“EEEEEK! DON’T DO IT! YOU’RE FUCKING INSANE! GOOOO HOOOOMMME!!!”

“Okay Boss! Relax! I’m going…I’m going!”

He swung open the door and walked towards his seat.

He then rolled up his sleeves, picked up his backpack and bade a wide-mouthed Gulshan goodbye.

As he walked down the staircase of the building, he patted his left trouser pocket. Looking skyward, he said, “Thank you Grandma…thank you for leaving behind a treasure-trove of snuff bottles.”

And then he patted the right pocket. “And thank you, China. Thank you for the virus…and for making flubber.”

A TO Z BLOGGING CHALLENGE 2020 THEME REVEAL: IDIOSYNCRASIES OF A COVIDIOT

The COVID-19 pandemic that unfolded over the past couple of months has disrupted businesses and life in general for our generation. More than 40,000 people have died so far and close to a million have been affected. Governments across the world have rightly imposed lockdowns to ensure social distancing and thereby cut the spread of the virus and "flatter the curve". 

With lock-downs in place, it has been a war-like situation for many people, especially for the less fortunate. Amidst this chaos, there are certain people who have chosen to ignore guidelines and warnings regarding public health, safety and welfare. A new term has been specially coined for these people...Covidiots. These Covidiots, knowingly or unknowingly do things that would defeat all efforts being taken towards stopping the spread of the pandemic - going out in public, not wearing masks, not staying indoors if they are unwell, spreading baseless rumours, hoarding essential commodities, et al.

With this context, my theme for the A to Z Blogging Challenge 2020 is "Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot". This 26-episode series will follow the life of a Covidiot named Anshuman. This will be my first attempt at humour/satire after almost two years.  

The A to Z Blogging Challenge is a daily blogging challenge scheduled every year during the month of April. The last time I participated was in 2018 I think. It's a great way for writers and content creators to get their creative juices flowing. Also, you get a chance to take a look at amazing content created by fellow-bloggers. I certainly had the privilege of coming across some wonderful people through this challenge.

Hope you enjoy reading all the posts in this series. Would love to have your feedback.

Cheers!